The Bucanero Awards
Charity Challenge
Friday 12th November
Cuba 2004
Hotel Ancon

Senior Citizen Award
Sponsored by Phyllosan

The winner, and there can be only one winner. Given her tenacity, her moans every time she went over a bump. Her dirty laugh. The winner is our very own Hell’s Granny –
PAM SAYER aka Patricia Routledge

Bum Fluff Award - Sponsored by Gillette

Award goes to the youngest male on tour. A real pretty boy, drooled over by men and women alike. Described by Sue as a “real cutie” and by others as sex on a stick. The bum fluff award goes to our little lad – STEVE STRATFORD aka Tim Henman

Hard Man Award, Sponsored by Ronseal,
because it does what it says on the tin.

Many hard men on tour and very hard to choose – in fact impossible to split them. What settled it was on Sunday afternoon in the Pikey Cuban hotel. The 2 winners got off their bikes sweating, smelling and drinking beer for 4 hours. Neither has been bitten this trip, cos the mossi’s know they would brake their teeth. So hard they went climbing today, when the rest of us lounged around. The winners are ASHLEY HOOK & TOM PATTISON
aka Al and Lawrie

Piss Head Award - Sponsored by Alcoholics Anon.

Impressive performance in getting bladdered not once but twice. For turning her bike rode into a sponsored pub crawl. There could be only one winner GILL REED aka Felicity Kendal

Insommia Award - Sponsored by Red Bull

Poor little lamb must be ill given the little time he spent in bed. Fought with his coat hangers in Santa Clara trying to get to bed. Attended every late night drinking session, and some. The winner is DAVE HALPIN, aka young Mel Gibson

Oueen of the Mountains Award - Sponsored by Everest Double Glazing

The mighty mouse of the trip. Seen disappearing up hills which got bigger every day. Never got off. Got married on tour and I’m proud to call her my wife. The winner is our little Jimmy Krankie – ALISON MACCALLUM

Tour Engineer Award - Sponsored by Snap-on Tools

On purpose broke his bike and others just to get his kit out. Always on hand for a little screw, leaving him will be a wrench, and a massive hammer blow. He drilled up the hills. No other contenders could put a spanner in the works to stop Dustin Hoffman from winning.- ANDREW PARR

Gadget Award - Sponsored by The Gadget Shop

Leaving Heathrow for Madrid was seen to have at least 3 gadgets on his lap all on the go. His camera was cemented to his hand and has more photos of Che Guevara than his mother. Our own little Che fan.- SIMON HORROCKS aka Keith from The Office and Alexie Sayle’s younger brother

Sickness Award - Sponsored by Immodium

The winner tells every one she is a project manager, when she actually told me and Chris she was a lap dancer. Has kept the doctor fully occupied this week , but only coz she fancied the pants off him. Even puked at the finish line. Straight from her sick bed tonight, please chris can you help her to the stage. Winner is our own little Kylie – DEBBIE STEER

Coordination Award - Sponsored by Dyspraxia UK

From the first day when he fell off his bike 4 times outside the hotel. This man has given falling off a whole new meaning. Once getting totally drenched in a puddle. He kept it up right to the end, when he fell over Kylie’s bike whilst she was puking. Grasshopper lookalike- TONY WINYARD

Biggest Knickers On Tour Award - Sponsored by Evans Outsize

Not so much a pair of knickers, more a circus big top. Having seen the black pair of knickers on the floor looking like a rug. We can safely say there is room to sleep a whole family and still have room to park your car.
Winner is Little Suzie Quattro – SALLY BEAMES

International Peacekeeper Award - Sponsored by Foreign Office and Al Quaida

Like most Brummies, always the diplomat saying the right things at the wrong time. Always trying to endear himself to the locals. Even trying to take ladies of the night off the streets. Through no fault of is own, picked a fight in a disco. A big man trapped in a small body. Our very own football hooligan- Chav/ Lee Evans – JOHN LAIDLAW

Stars in your Eyes Award - Sponsored by Matthew Kelly

Several nominations, stand up Dustin Hoffman, Laurie McM, and Kylie. Also we had Penfold, whoever he may be!. However thier is only one winner by a mile….DCI Burnside. AKA PAUL LETHBRIDGE

The Twins Award - Sponsored by Playtex

What can I say a simple request of if I show you my 4 nipples will you show me your 2 brought about the required response without a waiver. T shirt was over your head before you could say Shirley Bassey in the Pikey Cuban Hotel bar. Fair play to a nice pair. The winner is KAREN MARSHALL

Wipe Out Award - Sponored by Direct Line Insurance

What can we say about the crash. There she was quietly cycling long alone doing her make up and looking in shop windows when a train line jumps up in front of her and down she goes! To add insult to injury her piss head work colleague runs over he. She was more concerned about smudging her make up than her injury. But we must tell you that Red Oxide is not a fashion statement .
Winner is TIFF PATTERSON aka Penelope Pitstop

Verbosity Award - Sponsored by Oxford English Dictionary

This gentlemen has a philosophy of why use one word when ten will do, An expert in everything about nothing. Very supportive to many people this week, in particular one person who has not received an award yet. We kept these awards close together as they have never been more than 10 metres apart this week. The winner is, and in first place, ahead of the rest, at the top of the pack is IRISH DAVE (MURRAY) aka Timmy Mallet

Confessional Award - Sponsored by Catholic Church

Those of you christen enough to attend confession on Wednesday will know why this dark horse has won this award. The rest of you will have to use your imagination, The confessional is Sacrosanct!!!
This is no Aunt Sally of an award. So please big it up for SUE ARNOLD

THE END

***Newsflash***

Two extra awards have just been announced. Unable to be handed out on the actual night due to the lack of alcohol at the time...

A special thanks goes out to this bloke from the sponsor; Raleigh, for doing such a crushing job for the profitably of their spare parts department, he single handedly completely cream crackered three of the finest cycling machines known to man, indubitably it's Phil Jupitus, let's hear it for the big man, CHRIS WINSTANLEY.

And last but very much least , how could we forget an award for this cheerful chap; well overlooking the fact that we did, sponsored by Bottom Of The Barrel this goes especially to the man that is the epitome of calm, the confidante of everyone on the trip, Dangermouse's better half, we present to Penfold the award for ermm...the achievement for err...the special recognition for... the unique accomplishment of... the fantastic feat of ... the triumph of... come on down SIMON HUTCHINSON

Lyrics & translation to the famous traditional Cuban song Guantanamera